Things that are currently rattling around in my head...

So the theme verse for a camp I worked at earlier this summer was Romans 12:1-2:

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

After camp was over, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about what it means to present your body as a living sacrifice...and also wondering about God's perfect will versus His acceptable or good will. 

I may be wrong of course, but I firmly believe that it is possible for a Christian to live what seems like a wonderful, perfect life and do many great things for God's kingdom without actually fulfilling God's perfect will for their life.  I know of a man, for example, who was a very talented physician and was doing a lot of good for a lot of people, but one day God told him that He hadn't made this man to be a physician, and that He had other things for him to do.  So the man quit his successful practice and did the other things that God had for him.  Now, I'm not saying this happens very often or very easily, but I believe that if we're stubborn and insist on following Jesus in our own way instead of God's way, there is a point where we can choose out of the best that God has for us and into something that is permissible, and maybe still very good, but not God's very best.  I also believe that God, in His grace, will guide us into His perfect and best will, even when we don't see it or are going the wrong way, but I think the determining factor may lie in our heart attitude - our willingness, trust, and saying yes to God's call.

Okay, back to the sacrifice idea.  I ran across a couple of examples that kind of provide a fuller picture of just what the "living sacrifice" should look like.

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil. 2:5-8)

That's some pretty major obedience...  And Paul talks about his own sacrifice in the next chapter (and in lots of other places):

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him" (Phil. 3:7-9a)

Once again, so intense.  And so not where I'm at right now.

I've spent most of the summer letting the distractions of being back at home in a nice, comfortable environment keep me from having to face whatever may be in my future.  In the past couple of weeks, I've finally started spending time with God more regularly again, but I'm still holding back - wanting to know what He wants my future to hold, but even more, not wanting to know that His plan for it holds what I think it holds.  I guess you could say I'm pulling a bit of a Jonah and running away so I don't have to do what God's told me to do (or what He wants to tell me to do...).  I'm afraid that His perfect will for me includes more school of some sort, or a job that scares me to death, or even just reapplying right away for what was denied me last time I applied.  And then medical school.

When I was 4, I told my parents out of the blue one day that God wanted me to be a doctor.  I don't remember much about it now, except just always knowing that I was supposed to be a doctor so I had to do whatever it took to get there.  This knowledge guided and drove me all of my life, and many of the biggest difficulties I've knowingly walked into and much of my hardest work have gone into making that happen.  I put as much as I could into reaching that goal that I believed God had set for me.  Last year, I reached another milestone in the journey, and finally took the MCAT and applied to medical school.  And I wasn't admitted.  Partly because of how full they already were, but partly because I was too average, and they wanted me to spend at least a year improving my qualifications and further proving myself before they would consider me again.

From the moment I first found out that I wasn't admitted for this year, I've known it was for the best and all God's doing.  And I think I can honestly say that I'm not sorry - at least I know I'm not sorry that I'm not starting med. school yet.  But the way God chose to close that door opened another door full of doubts and questions for me.  I've wrestled with the question of whether God actually called me to be a doctor or whether it was a 4-year-old's whim that I grabbed hold of and held onto so I would have the security of a known destination.  I used to always mentally list the personality traits and talents God instilled in me that would make me a good doctor...but now I've admitted that there are also some parts of who I am that are horrible traits for a doctor to have.  And I've run through all sorts of other questions and doubts, to the point where I'm too scared to really ask God if me being a doctor is His idea, because I don't want it to be anymore.

But down deep, I think that's still what He has for me to do.  And I think between now and medical school, He has a job, or more school, or even just tons of applications that'll be needed to get me there.  But I don't want to know, cause if I don't know and I don't do something, then it's not quite disobedience, right?

My current behavior is a pretty far cry from the concept of a living sacrifice.  I'm not willing, at this moment, to sacrifice any more hard work, suffering, or even just my comfort and security for the sake of living out what I think may be God's perfect will for my life.  I know it's not right, and I actually find it rather terrifying, because I really don't want to miss God's best for my life, but no matter how hard I try to change and make myself get on the altar, it's not happening...

I'm sorry to say that I'm not posting this cause I've found the solution to my problem.  Right now, even as I'm laying on my bedroom floor, I'm still mentally telling God, "I don't want to miss it, but don't You dare tell me what You have planned, cause I don't want any part of it..."  But I'm starting to wonder if maybe the key lies somewhere in the phrase, "by the mercies of God."  Or in "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9).  And, if you look at the story of Jonah, even when he was running with all his might to escape God's call, God extended him grace, brought him miraculously around to where he was supposed to be, and worked through him in a huge way (the whole freaking city, including the king and the animals, fasted in repentance when he finally delivered his message!).  So maybe I can end up like Jonah?  Maybe God will continue the process of softening my heart toward Him, and deepening my trust, so that I will someday soon finally be ready to say yes to Him and make the sacrifice?  I pray so...