Ever have one of those times when you just want to throw in the towel and forget it all? Me too. :o) I had one just last night, as a matter of fact. Homework piled on top of homework on top of InterVarsity things on top of life, and I was so ready to give up. I looked at what needs to be done by the end of the week, and realized that to even get it done at all, sleep must be lost. A lot of sleep probably. And I’ve been getting 3-5 hours of sleep per night, 5-6 nights a week for the last 3 weeks or month. And it wasn’t much better before that… I’m quickly discovering that caffeine is a lifesaver, but it doesn’t really take care of everything... :o) Anyway, I realized that I wasn’t really sure that I can pull off any more of these short nights this week. And I desperately need to.
So anyway, as my alarm went off at a “freakishly early” time this morning, and I dragged myself out to the common room to do homework again, I was silently raging (okay, at that point about the only thing I had energy to do was whisper pathetically) at God and asking why He wants so much from me. And why it has to be so stinking hard. And asking Him if I could please, please just quit all of this and go be with Him.
I forced myself to start the morning with a quiet time—my dad always says that if you spend time with the Lord and put Him first, He’ll add hours to your day. Usually, I don’t notice much of a difference, and sometimes I find the opposite to be true, but I cynically figured it couldn’t hurt to try. Maybe God would give me some amazing spiritual truth and make it all okay, right?
It started out as the most unsuccessful, frustrating quiet time I’ve had in a while. Which is saying something. And at the part where God usually takes pity on me and makes it easier there was nothing. Losing hope and deciding that God must still be asleep at 5:30 am, I finally gave up. I wanted to just start the homework, but I figured just to be sure that God knew it was all His fault when I failed completely, I should make sure I did everything right, so I read a few verses from the Bible before quitting. The passage that I somehow ended up at (hmm...I wonder how… ^_^) was Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV):
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
And it’s so very true. God has always given me the strength I’ve needed and taken care of me. And He’s taken care of me other times this term when I didn’t think I could make it any farther (ha, little did I know…). So many times already this year when I’ve been worn down and tired, He has met me during a quiet time, or had one of my amazing friends to email me and offer a listening ear, or send me a silly picture, or give me a hug randomly. It always comes at just the right time, and it works wonders. :o) (Thanks to all of you who have let God use you! I love you guys!)
So after a little repentance on my part, He got me back on track and going again. Today has gone much better than expected, and more importantly, I’m leaning on Him again. =P I still have huge amounts of homework and other things that must be done, and I’m still tired, but the difference is that I know that it’s okay now. And it’ll get done. Thankfully, Jesus is still good and faithful and keeps His word and loves me, even when I throw it back in His face and tell Him He doesn’t know what He’s doing. Amazing doesn’t even begin to describe my Father…
I don’t mean for this to sound like a complaint, or make anyone feel sorry for me, or make anyone worry, so please, please don’t take it that way—I’ll be fine. (And I’ll feel really awful if you do!) And I tend to get melodramatic when I’m tired, so I’m sure this sounds much worse that it really is… But, God’s teaching me to be honest about where I’m at. And to “boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” (2 Cor. 12:9) and so that He will get the glory, cause He’s worthy. I also hope that maybe this’ll somehow help someone else who is tired or struggling…? Don’t give up—His grace really is sufficient, and all you have to do is turn to Him and His word and let Him help you.
So I’m gonna go finish my busy week now. And it’s going to be good, cause He’s taking care of it. Thanks for putting up with my rambling!!! :o)
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