Why yes, it has been over a year since I last posted. And no, I didn't just forget that this blog existed - it popped up every time I opened my web browser. I've just been learning the simple truth that some things are too difficult/confusing/frustrating/a-whole-lot-of-other-emotions to write about. And sometimes, I've just been too stubborn and/or rebellious to write, even when I knew I was supposed to.
But God has been faithful, and so much more. Thinking back over how far I've come, even just since I started this blog, is kind of staggering. God has worked in my heart in ways I didn't even see, even as the work was being done. He's softened and healed and freed and restored and pruned and brought me so much closer to Himself. He took me from a place of fear and hurt and shame and resentment and anger toward Him, and brought me to a place of overcoming, of freedom, of reliance on my only Hope, and of willingness. Am I all fixed and perfect now? HA! Not hardly. But I'm in a much better place than I was.
Looking back, I realize I've been so very ashamed of not getting in to medical school the first time I tried. Most of that was probably just injured pride (thank You, Jesus!), but I also really did wonder if "they" were right, and I just wasn't up to the challenge. And I think that's what I've been most afraid of. Because fear has been at the back of many of my struggles over the past 2 years. Really, many of the struggles throughout my life... But lately, I've been afraid that I truly wasn't adequate (Which was silly, because of course I'm not. But He is.), and afraid of what the future might hold, and how difficult it might be to get there. And as I'm sure anyone else who's struggled with fear knows, fear is very crippling. It traps you and starts to wrap tentacles around everything, until you're not really sure how to get out.
But my God is far greater and stronger and wiser than any bondage, whatever it may be. And over the past 6 months, He has brought me out into a new freedom. It seems like there should be some big, dramatic thing that I can point to as the moment when it all happened...but there really isn't. I did nothing, except say "yes," and even that was only by His grace. He gently and slowly led me out of the grasp of anxiety and fear and into the Truth. He's healed old wounds that I didn't even know were still a problem, and just loved me. I've learned how to better defend my territory (for lack of a better way of saying it...), how to believe, and that I am, indeed, safest and happiest when I rely on Jesus alone. Last Saturday, I officially turned in my application for medical school - something that I seriously thought I might never be able to convince myself to be willing to do. There's so much more, but I'm not sure I even fully realize the extent of what He's done yet. Suffice it to say, it's good. It's really good.
Not to say that I don't still have struggles. And fear does still try to come back. But "...if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36) And this is too wonderful to give up without a fight.
So, I guess I said all that to say, God is wonderful. And so very much more than just wonderful...so very kind and gentle, and yet relentless, when it's for the benefit of His children. How precious it is to know someone so good and so faithful.
This song just happened to get stuck in my head today. I think it says it pretty well...
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