Your Story

I've tried so long to find a way to really reach you,

To tell you--

First there was running--and maybe if I ran fast enough and hard enough

I would find you...

But my toddler shoes caught on the floor and I fell

And you slipped away, just beyond my grasp

I tried being you--speaking your words and mimicking your actions,

Wanting to see you

In the faces around me...but I couldn't keep my own face straight enough

To see yours

So I studied, hoping to read you in a book or write on a page

My message to you.

But instead I read that I wasn't good enough

And wrote that I needed to work harder

And oh, how I worked.  So many black dawns spent

Begging for your strength,

Blasting through unspeakable obstacles in your name to find that

You weren't really the motivation behind the effort

I tried pretending you didn't exist, hoping that

You would come to me--

Jealous of the hurt and anger I held closer than you--

But you refused to be moved by my rage and instead touched my brokenness

In the joy of healing, I danced and I sang, praying you would breathe life into my motions,

And enable them to fly to you

But I still couldn't reach high enough, and when I tried I ended up

Torn and lamed in a heap on the ground

The darkness surprised me, and I held on, barely,

Withdrawing from you,

Curling tight into myself and trying to gather my strength

For the one last push in your direction

Finally I stood on the threshold, ready to go forth and take healing to the least of these,

And maybe to you,

But you shut the door in my face and left me groping in the dark,

Searching for the lamp that's supposed to light my path.

So I gave in and wrote, putting words of hope on pages and

Telling of your faithfulness...

But somehow the beauty always wears off when it's done,

And it's hard to write when you're not quite sure what your native language is

Now I'm lost and I'm wandering--searching in the dark of endless routines
For a glimpse of your light;
Struggling to keep my eyes open enough to search for you,
And clinging to the hope that your grace is still enough.

This is the story of my life, and your story isn't over yet.
I still haven't reached you
But you can reach me

So please read the message written on my hearth
The one I've tried so hard to tell you for so long:
I love you and I want to be all yours.