Peace

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." (Isaiah 26:3)

What a wonderful promise!  And so tantalizing...  I've always wanted to be one of the "him"s mentioned here, and I think I may finally be getting the tiniest taste of what this is like.  So wonderful!  But I should explain what I mean:

This summer, I've been growing a lot in the areas of trust and just learning to more fully rely on God.  I think one of the biggest changes in my life is the feeling that I have nothing else to rely on but God, and nothing else to live by but what He tells me.  Sounds crazy, I know, and it is crazy I think.  But I no longer have anything else to tell me what to do with my time. 

I used to let the idea of being a doctor dictate what I could do with my time, or the need to earn money, or the need to do homework, or whatever else.  But now, that's all gone, in a way.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do next with my life, and I feel like I've spent a large part of my life assuming that I was just going to be a doctor and that would be it, but now I'm not sure that's what God wants or when God might want that.  So I'm much more cautious about moving ahead with anything at the moment cause I don't want to look back in another 20 years thinking that I may have wasted them assuming something else...  And I do need to earn money, but I have no idea where to even look for a job or what kind to look for, etc., etc.  And I feel like God's telling me to wait; this is more important than any job...  Anyway, it all boils down to me having no idea what to do at all, other than what God tells me.  And I have always tried (or at least meant to try) to let God direct my steps and to live according to His plans...but this is different.

So many times this summer, people have asked what I'm up to, and I've had to answer, "Well, I'm basically bumming around at home..."  (Not entirely true, but unless I'm talking to a strong Christian, I'm pretty sure they won't understand any other answer...)  When they seem confused or disappointed by my apparent lack of motivation and failure to do something productive with my life, I end up bumbling around trying to explain that I think waiting and growing is what God's telling me to do right now.  And then they really think I'm crazy. :)

Several other things have happened this summer, and opportunities have been presented to me by people that I care about.  I've considered and prayed about the opportunities, and for whatever reason, God has said "no."  In a few cases, the reason for the no became apparent after the fact, but in most of the cases I'm thinking of, I still have no idea why I wasn't/I'm not supposed to take the opportunities.  That leaves me saying no to my loved ones with no good explanation as to why I'm turning them down - except that I think God told me to.  Which really doesn't fly too well in most cases, with them or with me.  :)

And on top of having other people think I'm crazy to be basing my entire future on "what I think God's telling me," sometimes I think I'm crazy, too.  I know that I tend to be a timid, shy, fearful, homebody who doesn't like change and putting myself out there and learning new things.  And I know that I've let my fears deceive me into missing opportunities in the past.  Some days I wonder if that's what I'm doing now - if I'm so afraid of facing the future that I'm trying to hide behind God and use Him as an excuse not to face it?  And if all this stuff (or lack thereof) that I'm "hearing" is all really from God?  And if it is, have I missed anything important that He was trying to tell me?  Like, "go out and get a job, you crazy child!"?

BUT.  In the midst of all the doubts and questions about my sanity, there's also been a huge measure of peace.  Especially in the mornings when I've just finished quiet time and I'm still thinking about God and what I think He's told me for the day.  Those times, His goodness and His promises (both in the Bible and the ones He's specifically given to me) are still fresh in my mind, and I am confident that placing my complete trust in Him is the best thing I can do and really isn't that hard after all.  During those mornings, that peace just rests on me, and is amazing.  Even in the midst of all the craziness, I have confidence that it's gonna be okay.  And it's exhilarating and exciting to not know what's coming next or what God might have in store for me, even before the end of the day--a feeling I never thought I would experience in the face of so much uncertainty.  But it's beautiful.

I don't know, I guess I said all that to say that the verse in Isaiah is true.  And the peace is wonderful.  And if God's leading you into a place of uncertainty or some situation where you're gonna have to rely on Him - be excited!  Cause as uncomfortable as it can be, I'm starting to think that this is the first time I've truly been living...