Since August (or maybe June, really), I've ridden quite the roller coaster of emotions and frames of mind, some of which I've shared... But overall, I felt very strongly that it was a time of great growth - even when I was running as fast as I could in the opposite direction from where I thought God's call might lead. I've grown in trust; in learning to hear God and obey and waiting for His direction to make a move; and (at least a little) in how faithful I am about seeking Him out every day. And I've experienced an amazing sense of peace, even in the middle of all the uncertainty and craziness. I know that God has used this time in a big way in my life.
But since late October or so, some of the newness and excitement and adrenaline (for lack of a better word) has worn off. For a while, I felt like I could sense God moving in my life - like I could almost feel Him stretching and expanding and changing me for the better... But now, all the nice rosy glow has worn off and it's not that easy anymore. I guess you could say the honeymoon period is over, and now we're getting down to the work part of the relationship again. Which is okay, but I'm not as good at this part...
Too often these days, I get up in the morning, and my mind's already on something I need to do during the day, or someone's waiting for me, or I'm in a hurry to make it to work on time, and quiet time just doesn't happen. I go through my days wanting them to be Christ-centered, but not even managing to invite Him to share the day with me... Instead of focusing on Jesus and His priorities, I focus on all the little "urgent" details of life, like work, or getting ready for Christmas, or what I want to do with MY free time to relax.
Don't get me wrong - I've spent the greater part of my life living this way, so it's nothing new. But now I've had a taste of the more that is available to me, and this isn't so satisfying anymore. I'm not content with living this way, but it takes so much effort to not slip into this routine of letting my pursuit of comfort and pleasure run my life... And I know that God is using this time just as much as He used the other...teaching me to be faithful in seeking Him in the easy times and in the hard times...but I still mess up a lot.
However, I want to keep the faith. Like Paul was talking about when he said,
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim. 4:7)Paul was at the end of a very difficult life when he said that. He had suffered all kinds of physical hardships, and faced innumerable discouragements and temptations for the sake of following Jesus, but through it all, he kept the faith. He stood firm, even in the midst of distractions. And I want to be able to join Paul in saying that when it's my time - "maybe I was a mess and made lots of mistakes or accomplished nothing with my life, but I kept the faith to the best of my ability..."
"Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved." (Phil. 4:1)I'm learning to stand firm. Very very slowly, but I'm learning. I'm learning to be faithful, even when it's not easy. And by God's grace, I will keep the faith.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the Founder and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God...In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." (Heb. 12:1-2, 4)
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